Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
