Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize