dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
