Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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