once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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