The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
