I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
