she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
