I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
