Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
