Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
