It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This baby is an asshole
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
