It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
