if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
