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did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
