now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize