Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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