the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
