Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Mom said you looked used
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
