guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
