So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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