i just wanna soil my oats bro
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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