You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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