How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Come see our sink grown plant.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
