Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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