that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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