I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
