I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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