this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
