I wish I could teleport
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize