Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
