last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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