hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
