I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Randomize