Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
