in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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