She announced her abortion via fbk
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
