I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So much rum. So many feels.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
