Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
