If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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