Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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