I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
