i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
