I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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