I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
