I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My penis needs a shock collar
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
