hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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