The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
