I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize