i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm passing your future prison.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
