saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
