I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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