My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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