im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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