So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
